Conservative estimates suggest that cheating occurs in about half of all relationships. It is also common knowledge that men cheat more than women.
Being cheated on can be an intensely painful experience and it can be hard to know what to do after the initial discovery.
An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage though. If you suspect your husband is having an affair or is being emotionally unfaithful, do not despair. Here’s a mapped-out guide to deciding whether to stay in the marriage or go.
- Gather evidence
If you suspect that your partner is having an affair, or if you heard the information second-hand, don’t jump to conclusions just yet. Nothing is more damaging to a marriage than an unfounded accusation of infidelity. Things that could count as proof include an indiscrete letter, the two of them spotted together and a clear lie about where he is and what he’s doing. Also, “evidence” could be gathered by looking at emails if he leaves his email open (print them!), looking at his cell phone pictures and texts if his phone is left unlocked.
- Confront
Go to him directly and tell him to his face that you know about the affair and that you have evidence in a safe place that proves it. Don’t tell him where it is or what it is necessarily. Just let him know that you know. Be calm, reasonable and rational.
- Disclose
Disclose the affair to one much respected authority that he is likely to look up to and listen to. Tell someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and who can tell him that he should end the affair and work on the issues in your marriage. This person could be one of his parents, a religious leader, a teacher or a boss.
- Expose
Expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your husband’s name and reputation through the mud, but rather to refuse to keep the affair a “secret” and to bring the truth of his infidelity to the light of day
- Take care of yourself
Your emotions are going to be all over the place after finding out about your partner cheating. Be aware that your immediate reaction may be to take drastic measures in either direction. Reach out to your most trusted friends and talk it over with them. Try to eat and sleep. Go outside for fresh air and the opportunity to move your body. Write down all of your tortured thoughts in a diary. Meditate. Cook. Nap. Sing.
- Decide what to do
If your husband is really cheating, you have to decide whether you want to save the marriage or end it. Most women say, “If I ever catch him cheating, it’s over.” But when it’s real, and when you have reasons to keep the marriage together (financial, emotional, situational, physical), and you still love him, you may find yourself holding back on the hard option.
- Create space
The idea behind this step is to give him a realistic taste of what divorce could be like – to not have you in his life to meet any needs! If he attempts calls, you should say “Are you calling because you’re ready to end the affair? Oh you’re not. Then please respect my wishes for no contact until you’re ready to do that. Goodbye.” Then hang up.
- Legal separation
This step is recommended before divorce. Many affairs die a natural death within two years. Therefore, it is suggested that the couple pursue a legal separation because it will stall the legal process of divorce, and protect the family at the same time. One year of legal separation is generally recommended.
- Try not to obsess over it
Over-analysing is going to be unavoidable at all times, but it’s worth trying to stop your thoughts from running away from you. If you feel yourself obsessing, take a deep breath and see if you can slow down your thoughts.
- Let it go
Cheating can feel unforgivable at first, but you are eventually going to have to forgive your partner. Your partner has a lot of work to do to regain your trust and rebuild your relationship, but he can’t keep making it up to you for the rest of your lives. You can’t pull it out as a trump card in every argument. If you can’t forgive and try to move on, it may be a sign that staying in the relationship isn’t a doable option for you.
