If you’ve ever been through a break-up (or several break-ups), you know it can be painful — even if it seems like it’s for the best.
There are lots of different reasons why people break up. Growing apart is one. You might find that your interests, ideas, values, and feelings aren’t as well matched as you thought they were. Perhaps you just don’t enjoy being together. Maybe you argue or don’t want the same thing. You might have developed feelings for someone else. Or maybe you’ve discovered you’re just not interested in having a serious relationship right now.
If you’ve tried getting through to him or her, and you’ve tried to make changes for the better and it’s all failed, then breaking up may be the best way to go.
Here are eight ways to go about it.
- Prepare your partner for the conversation.
In other words, don’t surprise him or her with the news by saying it in the middle of a conversation or while he or she is busy doing something else. Pull your partner aside and say “I want to talk to you about something,” or “I think that we should talk.” You could send an email or text message to your partner first telling him or her that you need to talk. This will give him or her enough time to emotionally prepare for a serious conversation.
- Pick the perfect place to end things.
Choose a place for the break-up where both of you are comfortable and there are no distractions. Not your home though. Your home is a familiar place and the break-up loses significance. Instead, take him somewhere quiet you can talk. Steer clear of restaurants, because if it turns into an ugly scene, no one needs to see it.
- Be direct about your intentions.
If you want to end the relationship, tell him/her face to face. No text messages. No letters from lawyers. The only exception to this rule is if you suspect he/she may become violent. Don’t give him/her hope of reconciliation when there’s none. The more humane thing is just to say it straight. Don’t disguise what you mean.
- Make a clean break.
It’s not going to be fun, but you have to be courageous. You have to actually say the words, “It’s over.” There can’t be any confusion. There’s no good way, but some ways are better than others.
- Use “I” statements.
These statements are more effective. They deflect feelings of judgement, and concisely get your point across. For example, say “I feel like I need to think more about my future” instead of “I don’t see us going anywhere”.
- Tell him/her what went wrong
You guys didn’t work, but hopefully he/she can learn from his/her mistakes and succeed with someone new. He/she doesn’t pay attention to you, he/she isn’t caring, he/she snores too loudly, etc. Of course, if you make a list of his/her shortcomings, be prepared to receive a list of yours. Don’t get angry or defensive, just listen. There may be some valid points in what he/she is telling you.
- Suggest staying friends.
If you genuinely want to stay friends with this person, then you should express the sentiment at the end of the break-up. Again, be prepared for the possibility that he or she will be too pained to stay friends with you, at least initially. Respect your partner’s needs and give him or her space if needed. Don’t continue to call or text your ex on a regular basis once the break-up is over. This will send mixed signals and make moving on impossible.
- Be an adult throughout the process
Don’t tell him/her it’s over by introducing him to your new man or having one of your friends or family members, or even the gateman, tell him. Breaking up is bad enough; it doesn’t need an element of revenge in it. Keep it civil. At the end of the day, you may not leave as friends, but you should be able to pass each other on the street and be pleasant.
