First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
(Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly)
Now let us start with the predictable events. You will fart throughout the year; the FA Cup finals will take place in May; Serena will probably win Wimbledon one more time in June about the same time the Germans will be warming up to win the UEFA Euro 2016 tournament.
Those who irritated you in 2015 will continue to do so; Usain Bolt will win his race at the Olympics in Brazil and the opening ceremony on the 5th of August at the Maracanã Stadium, Rio de Janeiro will feature beautiful girls.
Everything else about 2016 is unpredictable. The top level secret is that most things are uncertain and thereby up for grabs.
Music
The bestselling single is unknown. The genre of music that would provide the greatest hits in every country is unknown. That means every musician has a chance to make a hit.
Talents
Your talents will remain the same. How much you hone them depends on you. Opportunities will come to showcase your talents but these opportunities will come disguised as hard work. Repeat after me: “I love hard work”.
Spirituality
God is on His Throne and Jesus still saves. That has been a constant through the ages and it is what I know and believe. 2016 is a good year to believe.
Friends and family
No one will change to make your life better. They will all relate to you the very same why they related to you last year. The rude would have had one more year to develop their skills thus upgrading their irritating craft. The ones who wanted a loan last year will want a larger loan this year due to the high %APR on their existing debt.
Entertainment
There will be more opportunities for 24-hour entertainment in 2016. There will be jokes and skits on social media to help relax your mind from the stress of work. The only problem is you might be tempted to relax when you have not done any work. There will also be a 24-hour availability of educational materials at your fingertips to help increase your knowledge base. The thing to remember is the entertainment costs a lot of money and time. There is no free entertainment. 2016 is a year to measure out your entertainment in steady doses and never indulge in more than you have ordered.
Personal habits
The jokers never wash their hands after using the toilets. Yes, I saw them after the movie. They just wee and leave. Don’t shake hands! Those you live with drink the milk and juice with their mouths at the fridge. They also use your toothbrush when you are not watching. Live with it! The family pet bacteria hurt no one when passed around. If you don’t believe me then stop kissing.
Births and marriages
Babies will be born and many will marry. No one has invited me for a naming ceremony yet as my Naija friends are all paranoid to tell anyone when they miss their period. Too much Nollywood if you ask me (na mi bi di winch wey wan kill yua unborn pikin??). Better start saving for wedding and baby gifts. Nowadays every Premiership goal is celebrated by the sucking of the thumb; fertility galore no ni.
The poor
Poverty will remain and we must all decide now to either give money regularly to organisations that help the poor, or donate time to help run these charities. No one is exempt, even the poor should donate time and kindness to poorer people. Once you have done your bit, tell no one on Facebook how benevolent you are.
Selfies
Keep on Instagraming as we all need something to look at. The ladies will continue to show cleavage and backsides (aka KFC breast and thighs). Fast food no ni. I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look at girls in 2016, so if you show flesh, I will neither look nor ‘like’ on Facebook.
Mistakes
You will make mistakes in 2016. May I clear the air though? Stubbing your toe is a mistake but sleeping with three neighbours is not an awful mistake. My bobos, when you zip up in the morning, may your zip stay up till you return home. Well, two toilet breaks allowed.
Make-up, padding and implants
Ladies will continue to augment their beauty because; like they say “I do it for myself and for no other person”. I wonder why they never dress to kill when they are at home alone eating bottled groundnuts and watching Nollywood. Kontinue!
Death
You will not die from accident or disease this year. Mosquitoes will bite but malaria will not kill you. Ebola will not return (don’t worry about me being wrong).
Star Wars
This movie will keep on making money. Nigerian actors will be in demand.
Soccer
Odion Ighalo will be the top goal scorer in the Premiership. If he doesn’t, then na dat women wey dey sell corn for im village tie im legs.
Your life
You will experience the best year ever because you will work twice as hard in everything you do. You will be popular because you will only have a kind word for every one in 2016. You will smile and say hello to all and never begrudge anybody their good fortune. Standard yabbis like – aje, oloshi, waka, barawo, idiot, bastardly fool and so on will not roll off your tongue.
You will not jump to conclusions without weighing the evidence and you will pray daily for all in authority over you.
You will run six miles daily, stop using sugar and eat fufu and pounded yam once monthly. Suddenly your abdomen will resemble that of P-Square.
Welcome to 2016 – your six pack year!
