Unpopular side with Yinka Ijabiyi
Twitter: @Yinkakan Instagram: @oneyinka
“Just take any airport car on the blue queue. They are auto drive. Enter your destination coordinates and sit back and enjoy the ride. You’ll be home in no time”
“Wow, dad! That simple and easy?”
“Yeps son. That simple and easy. What did you expect? That selfies are only available in the West? Common son, give us some credit!”
“I’d heard they were widely available in Lagos but I didn’t realise they were that available. Nice one motherland!”
“Well, we have our selfies and you’ll enjoy the ride when you come. I know you think you guys are so advanced with your no pilot planes and near crewless cabins and all that. In Nigeria, the cabins have no crews at all and the planes fly on auto. No human intervention whatsoever so nil human error”
“Ok now I’m super impressed dad! I know a large number of Nigerians living abroad returned home decades ago as a result of the Trump Purge but I didn’t know it was the best and brightest that left all behind and moved back home!”
“It was o. While America and the world think the Trump years were the worst ever, our dear country benefitted a lot from that man’s hyper stupidity. Americans regretted every single vote they gave the guy but we, we benefitted immensely from it! In trying to fulfil his promise of making Americans great again for Americans, Trump broke and weakened it completely. For one it meant that naturalised persons of other nationalities were no longer welcome in the “Land of the free”. Trump’s many evil and repressive policies ensured that they had no choice but to leave. They were no longer welcome and they were no longer free. Period. And imagine that he managed to change the US constitution to serve himself going from two terms to life presidency and handing over to his children after he died. America didn’t survive them. He wanted to make “Make America Great Again” with the acronym MAGA. Americans should have woken up at that time and asked our people what Maga and Mugu meant in Naija!”
“Wow daddy. Trump definitely finished the once great America. It feels unbelievable that that country was once the greatest in the world! Totally decimated”
“America’s fall was Nigeria’s rising. Our alignment with the Chinese early on meant that when the inevitable happened, we escaped almost totally unscathed! And on top of that, our best minds who had helped build America returned home and began to build here as well. Everyone focused on the task at hand in a bid to make Nigeria better than even the former America. Instead of America, Nigeria became great again. We understood Mugu and Maga. We made their stupidity our glory. It was almost surreal!”
“I am glad dad that our dear nation is great again. I am excited to be coming home! But these great changes that have happened are they limited only to urban areas like Lagos and a few key states? And have the various regions that attempted to break off got back together as one nation now or what?”
“Nah. The massive progress we have made have touched every nook and cranny of this small land of ours. And as for those other ethnicities who agitated so much for a break from the one country, they all ultimately realised that they were better and stronger together so they stopped all their nonsense individual agitations and resolved to build one country together. Maybe the leaders would have wanted to continue to beat the drumbeats of war for their usual selfish financial gains but the standard man would have none of that nonsense anymore. They stood together to fight their common enemies: mediocrity and corruption and that was it. Another major coup was the death of religion in the country. When people officially stopped praying for help and started putting their backs to work, the pace of change and progress was unprecedented. With no one but themselves to blame for their suffering and attendant woes, people just got to work and did what needed to be done. And voila, our life is best”
“Ok Dad. My airlift has arrived. I’ll see you soon. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how on earth the distance between all the continents have been so shrunk together that former 12 hour trips are now done in less than one hour! I just think the world is going way faster than is good for it. I hope we don’t end up outrunning the sun!”
“No son, we won’t. I personally think we may have reached equilibrium. And with Nigeria on top of the world, the best is yet to come. Take care son. See you in a bit.”
“Ok class, bring out your brains and let’s prime them”
“I left my brain at home”
“How did that happen? It’s such an integral part of you that I don’t understand how you left it at home”
“I was working hard on a twisted colon, got carried away and left my brain at home”
“Ok. We’ll have to borrow you an external brain”
(IT Pod, Pod 014567298 requesting for a backup brain.
Pod 014567298, one extra brain being beamed to you now. Standby to receive.
Thank you IT Pod. You guyrls are the rest!
Thank you satisfied cryient. We are glad we could sort out your mess)
“Here you go 7298, your spare brain beamed up”
“Oh, thank you but I don’t need it again, Brain Prodist. I’ve already teleported my brain from the hatch. Ready to prime now”
“Ok. That was pretty fast. Faster than beaming too it seems. We’ll send this back up. So, let’s go fill up our brains with good stuff. Everyone ready? Strap up and let’s go way way back in time and space to the year 2016. That was long before the world was fully formed and live beings and machines had not achieved any level of intelligence or synchronization. That was a time when what used to be known as man had capacity problems with their brains because they didn’t understand that they were already made complete with everything they were looking for outside inbuilt inside. When the mental space they called earth was all they thought existed yet they sought to destroy it with their every action. And when they focused on the “environment” rather than on the “invironment”. I honestly still wonder how those low level, low intelligence beings did not manage to destroy any chance this planet may have had at survival. Imagine earth missing in what they used to ignorantly call the “Milky Way”. Brainers, ignorance is a disease. But luckily for us all, that is not a disease that will ever threaten standard issue humans or better enhanced humanoids again. So, let’s go to 2016.
