Unpopular side with Yinka Ijabiyi
Twitter: @Yinkakan Instagram: @oneyinka
She is one who makes no demands and will speak only when spoken to. She will not be argumentative even if she does not accept everything her man says at face value. If she doesn’t believe you, she will be subtle about her push back till you get the message and change or adjust. Even if for a short while. She will not be jealous but will accept and embrace her femininity and the untold power it bestows on her. And realise that she could have been the “other woman”. She should understand that “to cheat” is in your DNA and if you attempted to go against your man nature by denying the cheat gene, you would probably die of a disease called Illegal Sexually Deviant Frustration (ISDF). This is defined as terminal disease that is as a result of a lack of opportunity to release or express one’s illegal societal deviant sexual frustrations. Symptoms of this disease include driving off a cliff, driving into the Lagos Lagoon, driving at full speed into an oncoming truck, walking wilfully into a maximum security prison and demanding the electric chair with the wires connected direct to their manhood, and other such rather bizarre behaviour to escape the painful fate of suffering from above mentioned terminal condition.
A correct woman will allow her man to be himself. If there are things she does not like about him or his behaviours, she will do like the most virtuous and correct of all women taught her to do, “ponder upon it in her heart”. Her heart will be the repository of all knowledge. She will therefore be know-all, see-all and say nothing and thus become wiser than the wisest man and her fame and story would be re-told many more times than those of Mary. Or Delilah. Or Jezebel. She would use her infinite wisdom for her man’s good and let him know that no matter what, he’s the man for her and she’s the woman for him. Except of course he genuinely is no longer interested in her in which case she must “step”. She must be as pliable as plasticine but as strong as steel when the need arises.
She must be strong, independent and industrious. She must be sharp, bright, witty, funny, pretty preferably with sizeable nice and firm tits but the type not guaranteed to go south post all kids. She must have hair only in parts of her body where the sun shines 24/7 and desist from harbouring the temptation of committing the sin of hair in the unairable. She must be well dressed, well behaved, well-spoken and must be haughty airs. Scrap that line. Replace with: She must have haughty and superior airs so that when she “falls” and is finally whining and moaning, Mr. Man can lift himself up slightly and look at himself and sing “Victory at last. Glory glory, victory at last”.
She must be shy and coy and ready to mingle if she is single. And smelly and detestable if she’s not. As a matter of fact, I propose that instead of a wedding ring, the man must receive permanent lavender to ward off all evils spirits such as STDs, HIV/AIDS etc. The woman must then receive a permanent skunk smell that must ooze out of her the moment any man looks at her lustfully. Both fragrances to remain valid until the day the man decides he is no longer interested in the affair/marriage.
The woman must be full of laughable drama so that her antics would keep the man almost permanently entertained. She must throw tantrums at anything so much so that it must get to a point that she would have cried wolf one too many times and so even her own relatives would turn against her and be on her man’s side no matter what. She must know how to cook and clean and scrub. Failing which she MUST employ a teenage female blonde bombshell, young, pretty and hot blooded as house help/nanny to perform these tasks on her behalf. To keep her home and her sanity, she must subtly pretend as if she does not know that her hubby is ensuring that as she is scrubbing the house, he is “scrubbing” her. This is altruistic to ensure that she does not go and feed pigs food meant for royalty. It would certainly do the woman no good if she comes home and realises that the maid is pregnant by houseboy Okon in the next flat who could not afford the solution before it becomes too late. Okon is dumb. The man of the house is fiery and forgetful in passion but not always so dumb. He will ideally be expected to “take care” either before or after.
The needs of a man are few and non-complex. He wants to be loved for whoever he is, whatever his faults; actually in spite of or because of them. He wants to be free to be him. Make his mistakes and learn from them. He wants her to be there for him. He wants her to be like him. Not like his mum or his sister or his boss or his father or his colleague or his friend. Like him. He wants to have no worry about nothing when he is with her or when he is not with her. He wants to be able to know that he’s in safe hands at all times and that all his secrets will remain so even after he has aired them to her. He wants and needs help even at those times that he is really unable to shout out for it because of his ego. Or at those times when he blatantly insists he doesn’t need it. He wants someone he can rely on to stay on top when the need arises and go down low when the need arises too. He needs someone he can sometimes talk to and someone he can sometimes refuse to talk to and they’ll still be cool. He needs someone who can speak sense to him and advise him when he needs it and someone who will simply nod and say yes at other times when that is what he needs. A man’s needs are simple and non-complex. They are only just about him.
If you are that woman who meets the criteria described above and meets some of the needs described as those a man has, then do drop me a line at iamaliarjor@yahoo.com. Rest assured that while there are no lasting earthly rewards for you, there are more than enough rewards for you when you get to heaven. You must pardon your man though if he insists on living his own heaven here on earth. Or would you really prefer he expedites his journey to meet his waiting 21 virgins?
