First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly
Every man has male figures in his life and I am no exception. This article is about my Facebook male friends and I will start with the players identified by being married and calling themselves ‘single’. They chase girls all day. Una sabi una sef.
As always, just like Pareto postulated, 80% of the drama you see would be generated by only 20% of your Facebook Bobos. These are my observations on the drama kings.
Show business
Every male is now in show business it seems. On social media, while the ladies project beauty, the men project importance by standing next to an important brand (shebi, vultures of a feather flock together). Hence, our eyes are bombarded with numerous selfies with stars, expensive cars and in private jets. I sometimes wonder if these private jets are air-borne sef. These by-force showbiz types remind me of that proverb about the marriage between that compatible couple; Miss Empty Vessel and Mr Noise.
Ego
The male has an urge to look successful. So, we get photographic evidence of a high sperm count and a high bank balance daily. Madam don born o! Pictures are usually in an expensive looking hospital. How come we never see the millions of babies born in maternity homes on Facebook? The answer, these Facebook pictures are not announcements of births, no! They are displays of affluence and the projection of the male ego.
I no fine?
Everyone is now a movie star. Air-brushed flawless skin, grey hair blackened and pot belly air-brushed away. Na wa o! Since when did the guys join the ladies in wanting to look beautiful? The over-packaging na wa! Handkerchiefs prolapsing out of jacket pockets are the order of the day now. The movie stars and musicians are now being given a run for their money – at least in the packaging department. But we know sha, it is just effizzi. You guys are not stars at all. Don’t let the ‘Likes’ deceive you. People will hail – Boss, My MOG, E no get Part 2, My Oga, Beautiful! All na game. When the microphone is passed around na that time you go know say Wizkid is a star and you are just a wannabe candle. Kontinue!
- Any man wey bleach will be blocked from my Facebook for life.
Dressing young
Ah! Uncle please study Davido’s picture. When he wears a belt and jeans we can see the buckle. You are wearing a tight designer t-shirt and jeans with a designer D&G belt but your belle don drop come cover the beauty of the buckle. Please borrow body magic from madam.
Something to hide
Some guys have something to hide abeg. You know them. – Scriptures all over their wall for the last two years. No dad or mum’s birthday or memorial. No girlfriend, no wife. We dey suspect una. Man U for lifers nko? No graduation picture, no family shots, nothing. And when you chat back when they send their – ‘Good day sir’ greetings, these guys don’t even know Lee Sharpe or George Best. How can you say you are a Man U for life at 30 years of age and you only know Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson? Olodo!
Nouveau riche and flaunting
Bros, we joined you to thank God for bringing you out of poverty but e don do na. Must we continue to thank God with you for every new car (even hire purchase sef?), new suit and even new pot of soup? E do na. These are the guys whose oldest picture is 18 months old and they have no relative on their page because na only dem get money for village. They are ashamed of their past and all their relatives. It is not a crime in itself to break out of poverty, it is actually inspirational. However, when you try too hard to distance yourself from your past, you start to look like a sky scrapper in Dubai – bright, shiny and new but devoid of history or meaning. Bros, be real!
Scrubs a la TLC
Front seat passenger taking selfies and trying to holla at us on social media. Bros, buy your own car. Selfies in your friend’s living room but you omit to title the picture appropriately. We sabi una.
Mr Romantic
Okay, we have a good memory. You love her. E do, let’s move on to national issues or football gist. We don’t need reminding. Your anniversary love update about ‘your Queen’ is more than enough. Ah ah!
Holiday father
Okay, we have seen it. You are on the beach living it up while we are slaving away in an airless office – you have made your point!
Christianity bashers
If anything happens in Nigeria they run to Facebook and scream, ‘where is the Church’? They expect churches to run the economy, build infrastructure, stop armed robbery and educate all citizens. When I become a Pastor the same ones will hate me and my Doro wife for being Doro Pretty by embezzling tithes and offering. Please note that we are Doro pretty now!
Argumentative political analyser
These are the ones who come to Facebook for a war. You know the type. Oppressed by madam at home, oppressed by the boss at work and too broke and lacking in charm to attract real life friends. Facebook is his outlet and he rains curses on all politicians and anyone who disagrees with his views. Mr Angry, buy madam flowers and be nice to her. She may give you a rub down and chase your demons away.
419 bobos
These ones are Hackers of my friends’ pages needing a quick loan of four hundred thousand naira because their ATM card fell down a well. All of you guys eh, my prayer for you is that your right testicle rotates 12 times till it dies and drops off. Shout Amen!!
Disclaimer: Any similarities between the above characters and the author is purely coincidental.
