By Wale Bakare
Prosecutor: You, Wasiu ‘Winston’ Aláìnírònú are hereby charged with conspiracy to commit murder, treason, sedition, destruction of public property, and trespassing. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
WWA: My Lord, àbí it is Your Lord sef, murder kẹ́? I no kill pesin ó! Ẹ neva rish one month wey I rish America ó. I never even fight, talk less of killing pesin. Ẹ má gba mi kẹ.
Prosecutor: On the 6th day of January, 2021, you and several accomplices stormed the Capitol of the United States during which a policeman lost his life.
WWA (turning and addressing the Judge directly): Oga Judge, I beg don’t mind this man. Ó fẹ kò igbó sì mi l’apo ni (he wants to implicate me). I just come from Nigeria after we do EndSARS. I just dey my own jẹjẹ na him my neighbour, Mitch, tell me say dem dey go protest. He say weda I no go come. I tink say na like EndSARS. I neva shop and I think say dem go serve jollof or pátápátá, dem go serv burger. Na so I follow. Oga judge, I no kill pesin ó.
Prosecutor: You were arrested right inside the Chambers. How can you claim not to know that was a crime?
WWA (beginning to get exasperated): Oga lawyer, calm dan. Abi wọn ṣepé fún ẹ ní (are you under a curse)? I say I no know. For Nigeria, I no know wetin be EndSARS. Everybody for my area dey shout am, I follow shout. Dem gather for Lekki. I follow gather. See jollof, meat, pizza. Àwọn boys even serve igbó. Ọmọgé yapa! Oga, no work for like 2 weeks. Just land there, you go shop, drink, shak kukuye and press ọmọ wey no go gree answer if you greet am for street (by now he had a wistful, longing expression on his face).
Judge: What has any of these got to do with the charges before this court? (he turned to the pro bono defence lawyer) Is your client aware he could be looking at a 20 year sentence?
Defence Lawyer: Mr Wasiu, I said you should pretend not to understand the proceedings not piss off the judge.
WWA: Otu lawyer (dumb lawyer): Je ki ń sọ̀rọ̀ sókè wéré! I go shalaye myself by myself! Judge, na jollof rice I go shop. As dem rush inside the house, me sef follow. Na so we dey rush for Naija. No dulling. If you slack, jollof and small chops go finish before e rish your table. As we enter, I expect to see dem dey serve food, Bros, nothing ó! Dem just dey scatter paper, dey scatter table. As I see say dis ones don crase, I say make I go house go make garri before Broda Monsuru come back from work, na so one askari just grab me for ṣòkòtò. Next ting, na so I rish here, Your majesty. I no do anything.
Judge (thoroughly confused): I find the defendant not guilty by reason of insanity. He does not deserve to go to jail. He is ordered to be remanded at the State mental asylum for close observation for 15 years.
WWA (smiling broadly): thank you, your excellency? Wá gba yí! Twale, fada before fada!
He salutes the Judge smartly and turns to leave just as the Court Sheriffs swarm over him and stuff him in a straightjacket!
- Bakare is a Lagos-based security consultant and public commentator
