Wilson Orhiunu (Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly)
Given the option, who would ride in a plane that lacks the mechanisms to detect an inflight technical fault with the engines? No one hopes for problems, but in the off chance that they develop it is reassuring that they would be picked up so that if necessary an emergency landing can be initiated.
Having the capability to pick up on faults before they manifest seems like a very good idea. The ability to find out where the fault is when things do not look right is an even more desirable.
Doctors deal with faults in the human body and mind all day long. Patients usually come in two groups; the worried well and the unwell.
The worried well group demand that a fault be found by their doctors but chase the impossible because no pathology exists save a measure of hypochondria. Perhaps they watched a film about illness or had a friend or family member die of a condition which is preventable and during the wake a few of the guests decide that it is imperative that everybody gets screened for the disease that ultimately caused the funeral.
Sometimes, the worried well have aesthetic considerations which keep them up at night. This might be due to a Go Compare mind-set that has led to the conclusion that their noses are too big. I suppose that is why credit cards and plastic surgeons were invented.
The unwell, depending on their psychological disposition may turn up to the doctor without fear; presenting their bodies the way people present their cars to a motor mechanic. These are the objective ones who simply want a transaction. They require a diagnosis, treatment and prognosis.
The other group of the unwell category get all emotional and almost start to choose the hymns for their funeral service. These ones fear death as if they are the only ones who would die on earth. This group also demands the same thing which is a diagnosis and treatment followed by a lot of reassurance.
All doctors find faults and get very good at it after about 10 years on the job. I have colleagues who have made diagnoses by pure instinct when there were no specific pointers to aid them. Guys who have ever been in a relationship with a lady will understand this phenomenon for no one picks up fault like a lady in a relationship. The wise ones only say about five percent of what they notice.
Now, while it is easy to accept that the planes we ride in should bleep when things go wrong or that the physician should tell us when he finds that there is a fault with our heart or pancreas, it is a bit different in a relationship.
The truth is that the one who is closest knows best, but ironically the closest is the one whose advice and observations are taken the least seriously. A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country afterall (paraphrased from Mark 6:4).
Reasons why we ignore the fault detection warnings of our closest one:
- We know their faults so it becomes a-tit-for-tat battle. ‘Look who is talking, are you not the one who..?’
- What they say is construed as nagging
- We have seen them naked. Something magical happens when you see someone naked. Once a friend crosses the line and becomes a lover, only the very disciplined will take them seriously
- The advice is free and coming from a mouth rich in halitosis. It is easy to respect a pilot or doctor who we know nothing personal about. A professional who is seen only briefly as he walks past majestically into the plane while we queue waiting to board the plane is held in high esteem. A hospital physician who is seen eight weeks after an original referral is deemed important and his words are remembered. Not so for the lover who is also hugging the loo and leaving smelling shoes in the wrong places
- Lovers believe that the two have become one, so if one of them does not know a thing, then their partner does not know it. Someone ‘outsider’ needs to be consulted. A friend once told me to suggest something to ‘madam’ because if it comes from him the suggestion would be refused
So, what is the solution?
Wisdom is needed in passing on what you notice especially when everything noticed is negative. If fault detection is the exception and praise the norm, then the guards will always be down for the right messages to go through.
Everyone loves to hear praise and appreciation so give them what they want; sugar coated constructive feed- back.
