Unpopular side with Yinka Ijabiyi
Twitter: @Yinkakan Instagram: @oneyinka
When we were growing up, older people told us a lot of lies. Those lies kept us in line and made us look forward fervently to growing up. I remember a friend of mine who, every morning, used to ask his older brothers if he was grown up enough now. Older people seemed to have all the fun back then. They could get away with anything at school and at home. I remember once asking a notorious senior in secondary school what I needed to do if I wanted to be like him when I grew up. He told me to be patient that one day soon I can do whatever I want. He was an adult. And he lied.
I had a ‘brother’ too who once told me that when I am his age, I wouldn’t have to toast girls, girls would come toasting me and I would be so spoilt for choice that I would constantly fight to fend them off. I have grown older than he was when he said those profound but untrue words. And I’m still waiting for the girl toasts! When another told me to keep watch in the sitting room while he took his girlfriend into the room and I asked why, he said when I get to his age, I would get someone to lookout so that no two girlfriends of mine would meet in his room and fight and tear each others’ clothes. Today, I am sad to say that I never had such an experience! I am still waiting sha…well, that’s not strictly true. I have now passed that stage in life. Another adult lie.
Right about now, I am waiting for my all-time favourite lie. I call it ‘the married man myth’. When we were young, we used to see loads of married men who promised us that the wedding ring was the biggest magnet to attract single ladies. The theory is that when a girl knows you are married, she is easier to snack on because she believes that you are responsible enough to ‘take care of her’ and your sexual demands of her would be limited by your prevailing circumstances. You are theoretically unable to break her heart as she knows that you are just a service provider for her as much as she is for you. You get the best of two worlds, in a manner of speaking.
I had an ‘uncle’ who once told me that his ‘girlfriend’ regularly sent some of her friends to him when she was not available. Even after she got married and she was more frequently unavailable, she sent her friends. I thought that was so cool then but now I think it was a really sick thing to do. We heard too (and if some of the things we hear are to be believed) of instances where one married man would put a mother and her daughter in the family way; and he is normally married to neither of them. The stories are plenty. They made us look forward to getting married feverishly. The thrill of it all was a huge turn on. They had fun, walahi. Or at least they made it sound like so much fun!
Well, now some of us are married but we are still waiting for the swarm of ladies they promised us. Lies, lies and more lies! All those ‘brothers’, ‘uncles’ and ‘bosses’ were just liars! It was all a load of lies! Girls of nowadays when they hear you are married, they give you a wide berth! No amount of talk can change them, no amount of lies or swagger. Nothing. Except money of course. And money is hard to come by. Between school fees and recession. Except you are a politician. Another adult lie sadly busted.
And also growing up, I know that some mothers told their daughters during ‘bee talk’ that if they as much as looked a man in the eyes directly, they would get pregnant. Yep, some were more generous and only said if you allowed a man ‘touch’ you, you get pregnant. Physical contact of any kind. Unfortunately that galvanised rather than immobilise them. When you are warned gravely about something, you don’t rest until you’ve done it! So the girls were fortified against small boys like us. But the older boys knew the lie and set out to help them break the ‘curse’ of touch. Girls have grown beyond all that gullibility. They know everything! Between MTV, Africa Magic, EL TV and co, they know things even we don’t know. Lies adults told.
Or maybe it’s not really all bad. Girls of nowadays may be a lot less gullible but their curiosity is piqued a lot earlier than ever before and they are more inclined to try things now than their mothers were. Well, not really sha if you put it in context. But maybe while their mothers were encouraged to give it up for no reason (most blue movies had no plot or stories of any sort back then), the Africa Magic generation know just how much money they can make from giving it up. It’s therefore a lot more commercial and therefore lucrative for them. And a lot more expensive for us. But I guess all that’s thanks to what my people call ‘olaju’ or modernity.
What lies did you grow up with? I’ve only focused on my most painful constituency, girls. But for sure there are loads more stories we were told of how things would be when we grew up. What are some of your most famous or infamous ones?
