Close-up with KC Ejelonu
Email: kcejelonu@gmail.com Twitter: @kcejelonu
I had planned a different article for the week but had to change my mind about publishing it at the last minute. Last week I wrote about an ex trying to win me back. Now I don’t know whether to say what drive people like that is an obsession or just plain stupidity. When you are in a bad relationship and you love their person with your whole heart, you don’t see anything wrong in what they do. Usually, it’s people outside the relationship who tell you what’s wrong and it might take you some time to actually see it or even admit anything is wrong with the relationship.
Avoiding an ex is usually the best way to get over him or her and to help get over a breakup. Being constantly reminded of that person not only slows the healing process, it can also make your life very difficult. Sharing the same hobbies, friends, and favourite hangout spots can be a huge dilemma when you are trying to avoid an ex. But you must learn to stay away from your ex so that you can move on and heal from the breakup.
Some people will never change; you just have to run away from them. In this situation, he will never change but I changed, not willing to accept that it is okay for a man to treat you the way he pleases, when and if he pleases. It’s important to note that some guys are just a bit psycho. No matter what language you use and how clear you are that it’s over, they just don’t want to let go. So again we ask, what is the difference between someone who is broken hearted and a stalker?
Broken hearted is him telling you that he loves you and wants to work on things to get you back but respecting you when you say stop. Broken hearted is reaching out, at first, to your friends to ask what he can do to make it better. Broken hearted might even be sending flowers or a card but again, the key here is that if he loves you he will stop when you tell him, “You’re scaring me, please stop.”
If you have specifically asked him to stop contacting you and he hasn’t listened then he’s overstepping and you have every right to take actions to make him stop. Too many women are unwilling to go to the police; afraid to be told they are “overreacting”. How many of us have said to themselves, “He loves me and won’t hurt me” or “He’s upset but harmless?” I bet a lot of us have.
Won’t the police just laugh at you if you tell them that a guy is sending you unsolicited presents? You’ll just get laughed at for being a dramatic woman. Wrong!
Some tips on how to handle that annoying ex…
1. No more Miss Nice Ex. Tell him to go away and stand firm. Take control. He might not be in his right mind, but he should respect your wishes. If it’s been five years, surely he knows you find him annoying, but it’s your responsibility to follow through when he tries to contact you. If he calls or texts or shows up where you are, ignore him, or at most tell him it’s important to you for him to leave you alone. If you’ve got another person in your life, don’t be afraid to say “I’ve moved on.” It’s not impolite, and it might be imperative to the health of your current relationship.
2. Get right in your head about it. The second step, if you’ve already told him how you feel and that you need him to go away is to begin to adjust your own mental state to be apathetic about him. Not hate, not resentment; just free him from your senses. Lose his number, ignore his texts and be empowered. Five years is just unreal. He needs to move on, and you need to regain control.
3. But what if he doesn’t listen? If it’s been five years and he’s still not hearing you, even when you take a firm and proactive approach to losing him for good, something is wrong. If he’s showing up at your house unannounced, being creepy, call the police. Sounds drastic, but if there’s the slightest inkling that your safety is compromised, don’t hesitate to bring in the authorities. You know… if he’s for real nuts, because if you fail to do that, he might do something harmful to you.
But if it’s just about empowerment, getting the guts to tell him to move on, you might not have to be brutal, just honest. Say, “I don’t think you and I are able to be friends in a way that is healthy.” It’s your prerogative, girl. It’s your life.
