Home Away from Home with Abi Adeboyejo
Email: abi.adeboyejo@yahoo.com Twitter: @abihafh
It is going to be Mother’s day or mothering Sunday in the next few weeks. It is a day when kids are expected to take time out to show their appreciation for the love, labour and devotion their mothers have shown in the past year. Mothers tend to love deeply and completely and when they get cross, they do it thoroughly as well!
African mums are unique in their style of tough love. My grandmother and great-grandmothers were like lions protecting their cubs. My maternal great-grandmother had to bring up my mum and aunties when my grandma died young. Once when my aunt’s teacher smacked her for not doing her homework, I was told my great grandma charged to the school and created a scene, asking the teacher to beat her too, since she was determined to kill the only reminder she had of her deceased beloved daughter. The fuss my great grandma created was so embarrassing that the poor teacher had to be transferred.
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of meat for five people, promptly announces she never did care for meat. This was so true of my paternal grandma. She cooked for the whole household including all cousins, uncles and aunties but she always kept some extra meat and food behind the door to her room. She would secretly call my dad and his brothers in and ask them to eat extra portions very quickly. She regularly went without meat to ensure that her kids were well fed.
“That best academy, a mother’s knee.” My late great-aunt had a name for everyone. You dared not interrupt her when she was telling us the facts of life. She was the one who told her numerous granddaughters, nieces and grandnieces that there were two categories of men we could marry: the rich man or the clever man. If the man was rich but not clever we could enjoy the comfort of a luxurious life and if the man was clever but not rich, he would use his brains to get us a comfortable living too. She also taught us how to tie the most flamboyant head ties (or ‘gele’). She told us it was always better to be overdressed at functions than underdressed.
“Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” We’ve all lived through phases where when you hear your name called in full you expect to get a good smack for doing something wrong. But after the smack usually came a cuddle and an explanation of why you’d been punished and a declaration from you that you would never do so again, only for you to do the same thing a few days later.
“A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking; it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking” My mother has always been loving, always supporting her children even now, when we embark on hair-brained ideas with little chance of success. She is the one person I can always rely on to tell me the truth and still love me when I am being selfish. She is the one who danced at my wedding with joy, though she had cried for many days before the wedding at the thought of missing yet another daughter. The patience of mothers is legendary. With my mother, every action is filled with love. Only last week I saw her teaching my daughter how to wash her hair properly with such love and care that the little girl didn’t cry, but laughed with much enjoyment. When I wash my daughter’s hair she cries so much that I usually have to lock all windows to prevent my neighbours from hearing her screams and calling Social Services on me.
Twenty-first century mums
With so many legendary women in our heritage it is hard for present day mums under the age of 50 to compete with these ‘Mama Africas’. We have a very different set of demands in our lives and let’s face it: we live in a very different world. We’ve got earning an income to contend with, and with that the added responsibility of long working hours, targets to be met, training to improve our professionalism and sometimes difficult bosses to dance around.
We’ve also got our homes to look after. Whether you cook in the morning before you go to work or when you get back from work, the fact is that your family must be fed. Then there is cleaning, vacuuming and laundry to do every week. There are shopping lists to be made, uniforms to be darned when they are ripped at the hem or replaced if they are torn at the knee. There is homework which you must help your son complete, otherwise his teacher will send him home with a very nasty letter.
Then we have the most important duty of all: looking after the kids. They are the centre of our universe and we revolve round them. “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” You worry about their first day at the child minder’s, you pack their little bags, make sure you’ve got enough clothes for them and then you cry as you drive off, while they settle down to a fabulous day with other children in the playgroup.
As they get older the demands never reduce. You do your best, while hoping that someday you will have the knowledge and wisdom of your own mother, aunty, grandmother. But you are never sure you are being a fantastic mum. But we must remember that there is no way to be a perfect mother, but a thousand other ways to be a good one. Besides, if it was that easy being a mother, men would do it!
The majority of the time, mothers are like elegant swans gliding along the water. The reality underneath the service is somewhat different – they are likely to be paddling like mad to keep up. Our fantastic mums and grand mums did the best they could in their own time and now we look back and think they did a fabulous job. Let’s be rest assured that if we do the best we can, our children will look back and thank us too for being fantastic.
Today, I encourage us mums out there to give ourselves a pat on the back for who we are and all that we do. Well done!
