First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: babawill2000
The mouth was made for eating, drinking and speaking. To help mouth owners avoid misappropriating their oral cavities, laws abound in various lands to govern what goes in or out of the mouth. In addition, there are ancient tribal and societal customs in place to prevent adults from doing what the babies do; put everything in the mouth.
There are two things which go into the mouth which I find fascinating; nails and stolen money (in Nigeria we don’t just spend money for that would be too simplistic. We ‘chop it’. For in a roundabout way everyone is either going towards or walking away from a meal and all expenditure leads to the stomach).
Onychhophagia
This term refers to the eating of nails, mostly one’s own nails. Why would anyone eat his own nails? I use the word eat loosely for people just bite and spit out (smoking without inhaling). Some hard core aficionados swallow the stuff though.
It is not illegal to bite and swallow your own nails for the nails are privately owned and in this case possession is a hundred percent of the law. However, the laws of nature are contravened when the nails that adorn the fingers whose job it is to transport food to the mouth become the food. Nails have no nutritional value and bacteria are domiciled under the nails. This is quite an unhygienic business. Some people spend a lot of time biting nails and then become embarrassed with how the nails look.
The football fan with hands in his mouth during a cup final game about to be decided on penalty kicks is not obsessive about his nails. He is just stressed. The ones with the problem have their fingers in the mouth as a lifestyle.
Kleptomania
This term refers to stealing for the sake of stealing. There is absolutely no control or restraint by the thief whose main trigger for engaging in the act is the opportunity to steal. We all know that opportunities sometimes present themselves on a platter and at other times opportunities need to be created. Either way, the Kleptomania is always prepared to pounce.
It is illegal to steal the property of any other person or entity and there are punitive measures that can be enacted once the thief is caught. The thief however is excited by the thrill of being able to outwit everyone and get away with crime.
The starving man who steals a loaf of bread is not a kleptomaniac for he stole with good reason. A kleptomaniac on the other hand will own a bakery and steal crumbs of bread from the poor. These people who are hooked on stealing abound in governments that provide stealing opportunities. They are easy to spot for they drive cars and deck their girlfriends in clothes, shoes and bags that represent a year’s wages.
Unfortunately, an impulse control disorder is a transferable skill, so the sufferers (some would say ‘enjoyers’) of this disease will eat too much, lust too much and take narcotic drugs. Like babies, they must ‘chop’ anything they see.
Treatments
Deterrents
– The wicked Naija treatment (Not to be recommended): Mean parents have been known to whack the back of the fingers of children who bite their nails with something hard. While this might stop the habit, it makes the children grow up maladjusted believing violence solves disputes (i.e. with a bit of craze). These are the ones who grow up and slap their staff in the face.
– The next best wicked thing to do is to paint the nails with the most bitter of all chemicals- Denatonium Benzoate. Once tasted, forever cured. This will work but guess how such people will sort out inevitable marital disputes in the future. By poisoning their spouses! (Train up a child no ni. Brought up on Denatonium Benzoate, murder weapon – Dinner poison he ate).
– For Kleptomaniacs on the streets of Yaba, what can I say? Area boys will beat up the thief with no recourse to the law. This does not cure the problem but kills the person with the problem. This is an inhumane way to deal with low level kleptomaniacs on the streets.
– For white collar or glorious ‘agbada’ crime, arrest and imprisonment by the police is a deterrent.
Everybody gets crazy impulses to do things but we supress the gremlins. With the help of moral tutelage the conscience becomes a powerful force.
A poor man on his way to pay his son’s school fees with borrowed money crosses paths with a kleptomaniac. Guess what happens? Even if the thief knows the poor man’s story, he robs him regardless for the thief cares not for anyone else but himself. He is a nation called Self-centeredness Republic that pledges allegiance to his flag – a country with a population of one. Selfishness personified. He would rob a cancer sufferer of his chemotherapy money. Same goes for the Political thief in a poor country where people starve to death for Christmas. He would steal the food and turn up to the funerals of the dead in grand style. No conscience!
The nail biter is similar in that once the impulse hits, they bite at the nails. Shaking hands with people with dried saliva on their fingers is not good (now I know why the Queen shakes hands with her gloves on). They nibble till they draw blood and secure tomorrow’s paronychia. Pleasing themselves is their mantra.
Habit Reversal Training (HRT)
Do an alternative activity when the impulse comes such as going down for ten push ups. With time the pain in the bicep muscles starts to suppress the impulses in the brain.
A thieving politician could go out and give a scholarship to the poor when the urge to steal comes.
In summary, Impulse control is a learned behaviour and mastering it is a choice we all have. Pathological grooming of the nails or bank account is a disease.
