Home Away from Home with Abi Adeboyejo
Email: abi.adeboyejo@yahoo.com Twitter: @abihafh
I arrived at work this morning with a frown on my face. Being stuck in traffic on the M6 motorway in freezing weather was not an unusual occurrence during winter in the UK, but being late for work always put me in a very bad mood. As I stumped up the stairs of the car park to my office, I met one of my students and his dad waiting to see another member of staff. They both turned to me and gave me almost identical dimpled smiles and it was as if the sun had just come out from behind the clouds. Seeing the dad and son together always gladdened my heart.
I knew a bit about the family. Years before, my chatterbox student told me that he and his dad did everything together: they went canoeing and hiking together, they went to football matches together. The boy worked part time at his father’s mechanic garage and also made flower deliveries for his mum. He was his parents’ only child and it was obvious that they were a very closely-knit and happy family.
I watched as the boy and his dad stood heads close together. They both bent at the same time to look at something on the boy’s mobile phone and they both started laughing. As I greeted them both and went my way, I smiled to myself and thanked God for miracles. The boy and his dad were so alike; it was almost unbelievable that the boy was adopted.
Children are a gift from God. We all accept this, even when they make our lives a misery. I remember an adage in Yoruba that says ‘whether or not you have children; worrying about children will kill you, one way or the other!’ It is easy for people with biological children to dismiss the worries of those trying to have children of their own by saying that God’s time is the best. The anguish women go through month after month when they get confirmation that they are not pregnant is better imagined than experienced. Yet the bitter truth is that some will never give birth to children.
It is a fact that in Nigeria a woman’s worth is heavily reliant on how many healthy children she can produce for her husband. In Europe and other western countries, women seek alternatives if childbearing is impossible. The emergence of fertility treatments have been a blessing for many, but not all. Many couples resort to adoption if all fails. This, I think, is a wonderful way of having children who will fulfil all nurturing instincts in women and men.
Without going into the details of conception and reproduction, any reasonable person knows that the inability to have children may be caused by many reasons. With many women working in very demanding and high-powered jobs, stress is increasingly becoming a factor, as well as other biological factors. Sometimes it is down to too few tadpoles in the pond and even this is usually not the man’s fault. The bottom line is that if a couple is unable to have children, alternatives should be sought instead of their extended families giving them grief.
We all know of couples who have broken up because they have been unable to have children. What amazes me is the hypocrisy of people who frown on adoption in the Nigerian society. While some argue that it is unnatural to take someone’s child and make them your own, some say it is impossible to feel the same kind of love for an adopted child as you would your biological child.
The irony is that generally, Nigerian culture actually supports adoption. Nearly everyone I know had a cousin or distant relative live with them when they were younger. These were usually relatives whose parents had fallen on hard times or were orphans. Apart from some cruel people who treated their relatives like hired help, for many people, I included, we regarded these cousins as part of the family. In fact, we had a male cousin who lived with us since I was a baby that I didn’t know he wasn’t my brother until I was about eight years old.
The decision to adopt a child is one that requires serious thought. A couple have to get themselves emotionally ready to love the child unconditionally; they also have to contend with the sniggers and comments of friends and family. While emotional conditioning is necessary to ensure that the couple bond with the child, the social stigma heaped on the child and the couple is one that is totally unnecessary, ignorant and hypocritical. People who are quick to judge childless couples should always remember that the gift of child bearing is one freely given by God as He wishes. If God only gave children to those who deserved them, many of these critics would be childless themselves.
Statistics show that there are millions of orphaned children the world over. There are many children in Nigeria who would benefit from the love and care of adoptive parents. There is no guarantee that a biological child will love his parents but children usually reciprocate the love they receive. Love always begets love so an adopted child can grow to love his parents just as much as a biological child loves his parents.
I believe the time has come for our attitude to adoption to change for the better. When people are more receptive to having adopted children in the family then perhaps pressure will be put on the government to find time to set up rigorous schemes to ensure proper vetting of potential parents and make adoption easier. There are many people with a lot of love to give and many children in need of that love. Anyone can give birth to a child but blessed is the person who loves the child of another with the love of a parent. Hence the saying ‘anyone can be called a father but not all can be called ‘Daddy’.
