First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly
Thanks to Santa I am now the proud owner of a tablet. I am now free to irritate the life out of my fellow man by walking to the front of any musical show or wedding reception and recording with my tablet held high. I might even wear a voluminous agbada and spread my wings as I film events on my brand new Samsung. I believe I can fly no ni.
It is always memorable when you join an exclusive association for the possession of the entry criteria means that in some way you have improved yourself and can now flaunt the bragging rights. Growing up in Lagos people were divided into ‘car owners’ and ‘the rest’. You always hear questions like ‘is he a car owner?’ Then there was that word ‘graduate’. Now that was a class to aspire to. Some unkind people divided society into only two classes; graduates and illiterates. That was enough to make you burn deeper into your quota of the midnight oil in preparation for that great battle with JAMB. That was in the days predating the current high graduate unemployment levels when being a ‘graduate’ meant you could read and write to international standards. A time when walking into a job had not become as rare as stumbling on a bag of diamonds on the ground at Ojuelegba.
As a child you formed your values based on how the older people around you refer to people and their possessions. “That chief don built four upstairs buildings” said which admiration teaches the values of home ownership while statements like “that guy girlfriend set o. See as she yellow” impressed on one’s young mind the value of using skin toning creams aka bleaching agents.
Cars, degrees, houses, skin tones and finally tablets. Madonna sang it well in the song Material Girl. We all live in a material world that classifies people according to what they own. Are some not called billionaires? I am glad to increase my ‘materials’ by one.
In summary, simply put, I have arrived! I am a graduate and a car owner and to those material achievements I have added the moniker – Tablet Owner. Life will never be the same and like the true Nigerian that I am, I will rub it in.
Does the car owner not sit in the owner’s corner? Does the graduate not print a business card with his letters arrayed after his name? What is the purpose of status and achievement that is not announced from the roof tops? This will be my plan for the coming year to rub the noses of non tablet owners in the dust of envy.
The Bible
I will henceforth not be using any paper materials in my Sunday worship. It is apps all the way. We shall form a Christian Society of Tablet Owners and lobby for all pastoral staff to say- ‘turn with me in your tablets to…’ rather than ‘turn with me in your Bibles’. If the non tablet owners take offence they should read Exodus Chapter 32: 19 and discover that Moses had the first tablets which were quite a smash. On the other hand haters could pray and save up hard to join our society.
Flights
Once air borne I will ensure my child plays noisy games on my tablet to ‘keep him occupied’. Even if he is asleep I will wake them up to play games. Oh yes. The same applies to when I visit you at your home. Be prepared to lower the sound of your TV as my child must play irritating games.
Entertaining at home
I am now free from the class of people who offer family albums to their visitors. I will offer my tablet for those I deem worthy of viewing my family pictures. Of course visitors would have washed and dried their hands before donning on a pair of gloves. This may come across as bacteriologically hypocritical seeing that my tablet makes the trip to the loo with me on some occasions but he who bought the tablet dictates the rules.
Emergency situations
Should an incident happen on the streets while I am passing by with my tablet, I will do the filming and get my two minutes of fame on CNN. Others can call the police or ambulance. Apologies for the car owners who slow down to look at the scene of the emergency for I will be that tablet owner obstructing your view.
Protection
My tablet is insured. In addition I have purchased what can best be described as a mini armoured tank to house it. My tablet can now survive a nuclear bomb blast and any dangerous grammatical errors that explode out of some quarters from time to time on the internet. My password is so complex that it is not even worth stealing the tablet.
Browsing on the go
With my non-pharmacological tablet I can now be on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube on the go. I will be sure to turn a few heads when I take a phone call on my tablet. Who would have thought that I would one day hold up a mini blackboard (aka Slate) to my ears in conversation?
I cannot wait for the day when I would walk around with my Smart 42 inch TV and lift it to my ear to take a phone call (abi na TV call sef?). I better start weight training.
Political ambitions
I hope to vie for the post of National Secretary General of NAIOTO (Nigerian Association of Irritating Tablet Owners). I have been assured of all the votes from the South-South and South-East geo-Apple and geo-Samsung zones. The Northern and Eastern geo-tablet zones are proving to be a problem but we are working on it. I might need to gain mileage with a cheap publicity stunt; perhaps wander into Aso Rock during the next presidential address to the nation and start filming the President with my tablet. That for sure will make me the number one tablet buffoon of the century.
