By Chris Ihidero
“So, you were saying?”
“I wasn’t saying anything.”
“What do you mean you weren’t saying anything? Did I not ask you a question? Or has Sango taken possession of your hearing?”
“Bros abeg leave me. I am not TNS.”
“But you are they owner of TNS now. Which one is I’m not TNS?”
“Nobody owns TNS. It is an industry property.”
“An industry property that is always abusing the same industry? Do you think I’m stupid?”
“What I think is unimportant. If you say you’re stupid, who am I to argue? TNS does not abuse people.”
“Oh, you don’t? Please explain to me what you think those your stupid reviews are?”
“You already said it: they are reviews, just reviews. It’s not that serious, really.”
“It’s easy for you to say it’s not that serious. Sebi you’re not the one who has spent money to make a film and then have some uncircumcised buffoon tear it apart in the name of a review. It is thunder that will kill that Andrew person, I hope you know.”
“Thunder is not going to fire anybody. Maybe some people should have been more careful when making films so that it would be hard for anyone to tear it apart.”
“Do you realise you’re making people lose revenue? You think this is funny?”
“I actually think it is very funny. Nobody can make people lose the money they were not going to make in the first place. Reviewers are really not that powerful jor. It’s bruised egos making these accusations, nothing more. Besides, every review we have published means money in the pockets of Nollywood producers, since we actually pay to see the movies we review. Do you want to do the maths? Shior.”
“Okay, sebi Imoh has told you people that you people will soon see something and know that it’s not just bants.”
“What is Imoh? And who is offing pant?”
“Bants! I said bants, not pants! Is like you’re mad and you have nobody to tell you. They will soon beat you.”
“Beat fire. Me that I saw one of the people you people say wants to beat us some weeks ago and she almost kissed me. They way she hugged me sef, you’ll think I am her lost love she just found again. Someone else dashed us 100k for a job well done. Dash o. People use TNS as point of contact with heaven when praying, I hope you know? Lookatew. It’s bad belle people like you that are making noise and accusing us of all sorts of evil. Abeg!”
“Ehnehn, me abi? Okay, I am going to call Omoni.”
“What are you doing?”
“You will soon see. Sebi you people called her a thief. She will deal with you.”
“No, we never called her names. We reported what we were told, nothing more nothing less.”
“Okay now, you will explain from Lion Building. Sebi you know she has connections in high places?”
“She’s PHCN? All this talk of connections is boring abeg.”
“Okay, Charles Novia nko? Sebi you have abused him to?”
“Never. He has never said anything about TNS and we have never said anything about him.”
“And you think that stops him from coming at you? You don’t know anything.”
“He should bring it on.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?
“What?”
“I know who to call to deal with you! This one ehn, you will be lost in the black hole of Nigerian prisons forever!”
“Who?”
“Aunty Mo! You accused her of lying about the numbers for Fifty. You called her a liar. You said she was fraudulent.”
“You’re quite mad. Nobody on TNS said anything like that. We only asked questions. You, do you think Fifty made N400m? Haba now, people should fear God abeg.”
“But you said Uti does not have acting talent; that Beverly Naya is better of selling pomade; that Genevieve cannot act, even in her own film and that Uru of a person or whatever his name is that co-starred with her in her film has reactions the size of an ant; that Alexx Ekubo has the most annoying acting skills this side of the Sahara, if you can call what he has skills, and that…”
“Yak! Yak!! Yak!!! I didn’t say anything! Stop saying you said, you said as if I’m the one writing those things. I don’t even write regularly for the site.”
“Who is Andrew Oke then?”
“What? Don’t tell me you’re one of those who think that I am Andrew? Are you stupid? How long have you known me? Do I write like that?”
“Who then is ANDREW OKE?!!!”
“I don’t know. He/She/It sends the reviews to us via email. I have never met him/her/it.”
“And you expect me to believe that?”
“I don’t care. Your belief or unbelief is your problem, not mine.”
“Help me now, just tell me who he is…there’re a lot of people looking for him. I can make a lot of money.”
“Andrew Oke is…why don’t we just wish TNS a happy second anniversary and more grease to their elbows as the future beckons?”
