Home Away from Home with Abi Adeboyejo
Email: abi.adeboyejo@yahoo.com Twitter: @abihafh
We’ve all had to deal with changes in our lives, some good and some not so good. A Chinese adage says “if the old doesn’t go the new cannot come”. Instead of looking at difficult times as problems, it is better to view them as opportunities to move forward.
I’ve researched and talked to people and come up with different strategies to cope with difficult times.
Here are a few of my favourite tips:
It isn’t always your fault
There are some things that you have to take responsibility for, like failing an exam or cheating while in a perfectly decent relationship. But in reality, there are many things that go wrong without our input. The loss of a job because the company has gone bankrupt can’t be your fault (except you are the company’s MD and you squandered all the funds). It is easy to look for someone to blame, but don’t do it to yourself simply because you can. Some things just happen, so accept what has happened and move on.
Think about other things apart from your problems
It is very easy to wallow in self-pity or to complain about your problems all day long. I know of a lady whose main past time is to complain about everything that is not going on right in her life. She used to call my house almost every weekend to complain about her job, her son, her lack of a relationship. It became so tiring for me that I stopped answering her phone calls. More importantly, focusing on your problems does not achieve anything. Instead, you should focus on what you can do to make things better. It has been said that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.
Believe in yourself and be thankful for what you have
No matter how bad things are at the moment, you are still doing some things right. You are alive today because you are succeeding in some aspects of your life. Instead of condemning everything that is happening to you, give yourself credit for the things you are doing right. If you are broke but your children love you and think the world of you, focus on the fact that you are a good parent. You might be a poor parent but who says you have to be rich to love your children? It is okay to worry about your finances because you want to give your children the necessities in life, but if you put things into perspective, you will find that you are still very blessed. Having faith in oneself also includes giving thanks for what you have. Appreciate and be grateful for what you have. No matter your condition, there are still people who are in a worse situation than you somewhere in the world. Even those people are grateful because when a person’s situation is irredeemable, they are dead. The fact that you are alive means that God wants you to be alive. Be grateful for your life now, acknowledge what you have. Such gratitude will help you to achieve more.
Count when you are happy, not when you are sad
Most of us tend to notice when we are sad more than when we are happy. I doubt that anyone has ever been in continuous tears since the day they were born. We are actually always happy and only very sad a few times. The next time you have reason to cry, remember that joy comes in the morning. Alex Tan once said “perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again”.
Embrace change
I think we could all do well in life if we ask ourselves this question in difficult times: What’s the worst that could happen? Things will change and instead of panicking, a good compromise could be for us to embrace change. You should also seek change when the old ways of doing things don’t work. A little change may bring about a positive turnaround, but you will never know until you try. A divorce may seem like the end of the world to a devoted spouse, but until the law makes it illegal to stop loving someone, people will continue to divorce each other when a relationship stops working. Your first marriage may have been a trial run for the perfect second marriage you will later make. Or pigs may fly and you may get back with your ex. Whatever happens, accept change if it comes and make the best of it.
Don’t label yourself
As I said earlier, we are sometimes responsible for some of the problems we face in life. That doesn’t mean we should label ourselves as the problem. You are a person, but you are not ‘a failure’. You are not ‘a divorcee’. You are not ‘unemployed’. You are not ‘a burden’. We must always see ourselves as unique, special and extraordinary beings who can achieve a lot in life. Situations aren’t you. You are YOU. You may go through a difficult situation but that situation does not make you. The situation will pass but you will still be you.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life
No matter what has happened in the past, your future starts today and you can make it so much better. It is usually said that there is no point crying over spilt milk. Let the past stay in the past and look to the future. You can’t change your past, but you can plan your future and look forward to it. From today, see your life as a blank canvas. Throw as much paint on it and paint yourself the most colourful life you can. No matter your situation, remember that it is not over until it is over.
