First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly
“You know as well as I do that our forefathers ordained that before we plant any crops in the earth we should observe a week in which a man does not say a harsh word to his neighbour”. This was Ezeani, who was the priest of the earth goddess, Ani, reprimanding Okonkwo in his obi (hut) after the latter had beaten his youngest wife over a plate of food.
To push home his point, Ezeani went on to say that “your wife was at fault, but even if you came into your obi and found her lover on top of her, you would still have committed a great evil to beat her”.
This all happens in Chapter Four of Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart in the fictional village of Umuofia. This concept of a whole community maintaining civilities no matter the provocation for a whole week as described in this novel has something to be desired. Peace after all is good for the blood pressure and mental health. It is even good for the after- life for the Bible says blessed are the peacemakers for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
In the light of the above I want to invite all Nigerians to join me in a week of peace.
The forthcoming presidential elections scheduled to take place on Valentine’s Day, 14th February 2015 has apparently brought out the beast in many, and if something drastic is not done, there will be no romance this year. The cynics might suggest that INEC choose this date so that guys could be let off the usual Valentine Day hook; well, cynics will be cynical.
If we take Facebook to be our cyber- Umuofia and each laptop to represent an obi, the observation of the week of peace would mean that no one says anything harsh or rude about a political opponent on social media. It is usually very difficult to call a man a fool to his face but from the safety of your own home, armed with your obi (laptop, tablet or phone) you can be as rude as you want to be. Slander and insults flow effortlessly from the tips of the fingers like the Niger in high tide when your opponent is not in the same room or country with you.
Goodluck Jonathan supporters
They wake up, brush their teeth and ask themselves, what ridicule can I pour on General Buhari today? While in the bath, Eureka! Inspiration strikes and they run out of the bathroom naked to their laptops dripping water all over the floor.
The problem I see is these PDP apologists have become so skilful in dismantling General Buhari’s person but have forgotten the first rule of political campaigns; tell the electorate about your candidate!
If an iPhone salesman spends one hour telling you how bad Samsung products are and in the process mentions Apple thrice and Samsung 40 times, chances are you will remember Samsung when he is long gone.
Buhari supporters obsessed with GEJ
They don’t usually wake up for they didn’t sleep in the first place. Having spent the night on Facebook throwing electronic bricks at the President and his family they take a toilet break and while doing their business they think and strain hard about how to insult the President. Light bulb moment! Inspiration strikes and they unroll the full length of toilet paper and start to write the acronym of the President’s political party in capital letters with their pen oblivious to the family members with bursting bladders banging on the loo door. On completion of the ‘assignment’ the tissue paper is rolled back on and ready for use but not before the obligatory picture of the ‘designer’ loo roll for Facebook. To that will be added insults about the Presidents qualifications, marriage and footwear history.
Now who woos a woman by going into great depths to explain to her how useless her exes have been? Just say how you would improve on the past abeg!
The Peace week.
“Give peace a chance” sang John Lennon. I advocate you try it for a week. Start your peace week when you want to but preferably before Valentine’s Day.
My suggestion is that you start now. You might even love it and extend the process to a month, two months or even a year. The African Nations Cup is upon us; now who can cope with complaints about Stephen Keshi and politicians all at the same time? I might become a Facebook exile if peace does not get a chance.
The rules
Say nice things about your candidates, football team and political opponents and don’t be harsh to anyone.
Tips for winning people over to your political party
Do not alienate them by calling them idiots, imbeciles or ignorant.
Do not accuse them of tribalism for not agreeing with you.
Be truthful. If a candidate’s good point is mentioned do not argue against the obvious.
Tell people how their lives will be better when your party gets into power.
Examples of Political promises – My party will provide…..
Health care so good, Obama will fly in for a medical check- up at Owerri General Hospital.
Roads so good the Monaco Grand Prix will be relocated to Oshodi.
Prada shoes for all below the age of 12 (to banish those painful presidential memories).
Gold platted Gucci umbrellas for ‘all my ladies’.
Brooms fitted with iPhones, Apple watches and internet connectivity for all the nice ladies and gentlemen of Nigeria. (Browse while you sweep).
A reengineering of the Nigerian-English language so that corruption and stealing become merged to mean the same thing.
A solution to the insurgency so that all children born after the election will think that BH means their parent’s Berkshire Hathaway Shares.
Foreign investors to build Disneyland Borno State to boost tourism.
Garri becomes so cheap it gets relegated to animal feed.
