First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly
We all say hello when we meet. A handshake, hug or kiss may be thrown in for good measure. Human interaction starts with an acknowledgement of the social context in which we find ourselves. A clearing beginning, middle and end is how we roll. “Good day” – get busy- and “Good Bye”.
Kids are taught to say “Good morning” at home as part of basic upbringing so that it becomes part of their makeup to always set a positive tone for the day. This prepares them for life on the ‘outside’. “Good morning” as a salutation especially when said with a smile helps to induce a sense of optimism to the hearer about the interaction. It is a positive start and sets the tone for what happens next.
Deciding to make all contacts with people a positive and pleasant experience is a good thing. People who want something from you always have the best salutations since there is something at stake that might be beneficial. Those greeting people of power and authority do so along well-rehearsed lines. Where possible, the egos of the powerful have to be massaged and people stoop to lick their boots (for the boots of the rich are coated with honey, abi?).
Watching soldiers salute each other is a lesson in discipline. The rank of the superior officer is acknowledged and respected during the greeting. The same applies to how subjects greet a monarch. However, when people feel very familiar to those they are greeting then strange things happen on Elm Street. Check out this conversation I overheard recently.
“Good morning”
“Ah! You are putting on weight o. Better control it”.
Do I need to add that that I had eavesdropped on two Nigerian ladies? Interestingly the self-appointed community weight observer had an abdomen that entered the room well before her head did and she was not pregnant. Talk about Burundi calling Ghana Third World.
The Nigerian weight observers believe that a comment about physical appearance is an acceptable form of greeting. Their defence is usually that they are only ‘calling it as they see it’. I thought part of attaining adulthood is knowing that you do not mention everything that you observe.
These random comments are cruel and make the recipient go home and cry all night. Facebook is awash with people examining pictures for signs of weight gain.
“You are looking Orobo,” “See belle!” “You don dey chop up o!” are some of the comments you read. Some weight observers also go the other way and make comments about people’s weight loss. These ones make comments like “Hope nothing babe”, Are you sick?” “Lepa!”
The ‘live’ comments are more damaging however. Some weight observers have evolved to the point where they ‘touch and greet’.
You say “Hi” to them and they touch your abdomen and say, “Pot belle don commot o”.
Some will turn their friends around and touch their bum then exclaim, “see nyarsh o!”
These are humiliating experiences to undergo and are guaranteed to spoil the day for some people. I once saw a newly married pretty lady walk over to greet a group of aunties. She knelt down in the traditional way despite wearing a long dress and high heels. Rather than help her up, they were busy surveying her the way hungry lions inspect an antelope. She managed to stand back to her feet while maintaining her smile. Some aunties where now greeting her with their fingers, assessing the abdomen and hips for adiposity. Finally, their leader announced the executive summary, “wait till the children start coming and you will lose all this your ‘Sisi body”. These are the aunties that will call the same lady anorexic if she maintains her figure after having children.
I once had a patient tell me I looked haggard because I had lost weight preparing for the London Marathon. She was not an oil painting herself and I needed all the self-discipline I could muster to avoid telling her that I looked to her for inspiration.
Like in all vocations in life, there are higher qualifications to attain for community weight observers. Some become economic observers greeting you with “Do you still live in that neighbourhood?” “When are you changing your car?” “How many years have you now worked in that company with no promotion?” “Na only one trouser you get?’
Marital and obstetric observers are always in attendance at Nigerian weddings. These combined honours recipients first attack the daughters and go on to the parent’s table to continue the assault with greetings like “When are you getting married?” “You think you are getting younger?” “Did your younger brother not get married two years ago?” “When you go born?” “Talk to your daughter o.” “All this career career of a thing… Don’t you want grand children?”
Paediatric observers are the professors. They start with the babies’ weight, move to behaviour and finally settle on parental inadequacies. Now because nature has determined that your children will disgrace you outside, the professors always have something to greet you about. “Is he eating?” “Why is the eczema so bad?” “Is she not growing?” “Why is she crying for food, did you not feed her before leaving the house?” “The nappy smells of poo” “This baby is too aggressive” “E neva start to walk?” “Shuo! Only two teeth?” “Una young parents of today no sabi look pickin?”
In summary, let us keep greetings pleasant and inspirational. Remember that as you notice things about people, others notice things about you. Not everyone will tell you about their medical challenges and sometimes what you see are the signs of illness or side effects of treatments. Some people love their food and eat in excess of what their bodies require. These people buy their own clothes and they know that their sizes have gone up. They don’t need you to tell them that they have gained weight. Dazzolll.
